


I got you

by casdoms (moffwithhishead)



Series: season 10 codas [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Season/Series 10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-14
Updated: 2015-01-14
Packaged: 2018-03-07 14:15:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3175784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moffwithhishead/pseuds/casdoms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Cas," Dean begins quietly, and keeps his eyes resolutely on the bed in between them, "We're dying."</p><p>Suddenly it feels like someone is sitting on his chest again, making it hard for him to breathe, and it occurs to Dean that neither one of them has said those words out loud before. They've spent all this time pretending that neither one of them is a ticking time bomb.</p><p>They're not supposed to be alive. They should've died a long ass time ago, and Dean's never forgotten that.</p><p>But now he's got the Mark and Cas has somebody else's Grace. They're both living on borrowed time and it's so fucking stupid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I got you

**Author's Note:**

> this came out of nowhere. thank you, brain, for supplying this when I have other things to be doing.
> 
> basically, here's the deal: at this point, cas and dean know how they feel about each other. and they have some idea of how much the feelings are reciprocated. personally, I feel like at some point one of them is going to be like, "hey, this is bullshit. let's stop pretending and figure out what to do about this." will this happen in canon? probably not. do I think this is absolutely something that could conceivably be happening right now? truthfully, yes. with the mindset they're both in, I don't think a conversation similar to this (although far more closed off, stilted and awkward) is implausible. unlike the show, I'm not tiptoeing around the fact that dean and cas are acutely aware of their current situations. 
> 
>  
> 
>   
> **warnings:** mentioned potential future character death that's about on-par with dean talking about the future in the show. forehead touching.  
> 

Dean cannot believe they're having this conversation.

He especially cannot believe that they're both sober, this was his idea, and they're across from each other sitting on his bed like kids do at sleepovers or during show and tell. 

"Dean, it's not that I don't..." Cas sounds so awkward and unsure of himself, of where they stand at all, that it almost makes Dean want to laugh.

He keeps his eyes on Cas' knees though, not wanting to see his face. If he has to look at Cas while they do this, if he has to see the sadness, the heartbreak and the fucking  _pity_  in his best friend's eyes, he's gonna throw himself off a cliff.

Or drink himself into oblivion. It's 50/50 right now. 

He feels a hand reach out awkwardly and settle on his knee but he doesn't look up.

"I don't want to hurt you," Cas' quiet, uncomfortably reverent voice crashes through his body like a tidal wave, knocking everything he'd thought was solid down. 

"I've hurt you," he continues, and removes his hand. "I - I've hurt you more than you know, Dean. And I can't..." 

If it's possible, he thinks he hears Castiel's voice break for a moment and it makes every part of Dean  _ache_  with the desire to comfort him. 

"I've hurt so many people, Dean. I've done so many things wrong. I've broken more things than it is possible to fix and -" Castiel takes a shuddering breath and shakes his head a little, "And I would not be able to forgive myself if I hurt you  _again_." 

It would be a lie if Dean said that his words didn't feel like a slap in the face. He may not know a lot about how to do this whole shebang, the "love of your life" thing, but he knows that relationships are  _awful_. He knows that by giving so much of yourself over to something, you give another person the ammo to destroy you. He knows that trust is important in a relationship because you have to believe that the other person won't throw down an emotional A-bomb and wipe out everything you've come to know and love. 

He knows that both of them have done that more than enough times. 

"Cas," Dean begins quietly, and keeps his eyes resolutely on the bed in between them, "We're dying."

Suddenly it feels like someone is sitting on his chest again, making it hard for him to breathe, and it occurs to Dean that neither one of them has said those words out loud before. They've spent all this time pretending that neither one of them is a ticking time bomb.

They're not supposed to be alive. They should've died a long ass time ago, and Dean's never forgotten that.

But now he's got the Mark and Cas has somebody else's Grace. They're both living on borrowed time and it's so fucking  _stupid_. 

"I'm tired of..." 

Dean pauses and licks his lips, trying to figure out the right words. He's tired of what, exactly? Fighting? Being heartbroken? Missing him? Pretending that he doesn't love the moron sitting across from him?

It's all so stupid, so fucking contrite and cliched, that he snorts quietly and shakes his head. 

 _Jesus Christ_. He always thought when Cas said they were making it up as they go, that the end result would be a clusterfuck of the highest order.

He wasn't wrong, not completely. Everything since that moment in Chuck's house has been fucked to hell and back, literally, quite a few times. The past seven-or-so years of his life have been almost laughably shitty. If there was a medal for Most Fucked Up Life, they would've won it five times over by now. 

But it hasn't been completely terrible. Maybe 30% of it has been okay, some of it was pretty good, even. 

Despite everything (including the Crowley/Purgatory shit storm and the god awful months that followed), Cas has been  _good_  for Dean. They're both a mess, and they hurt each other more than anything else, but in this complete and utterly awful life, they've been each others best friends. They've been there for each other when they needed it.

And he's so fucking tired of pretending that he doesn't want Cas around. He's tired of trying and Cas, the oblivious doof that he is, unintentionally breaking his heart when he leaves again. He's tired of staring at his phone, wondering if he should call.

He's so unbelievably fucking  _tired_  of waking up every morning without so much as a text or a phone call from Cas, wondering if he's dead yet. 

Dean smiles ruefully at his hands and shrugs as he says, "I'm tired of all of it, man." 

Cas is quiet, unnervingly so, and Dean remembers belatedly that he's not sure if Cas can still hear his prayers or his thoughts or read his soul or whatever it is he does to freak Dean out. 

"You and me? We're fucked," he continues, chuckling humorlessly to himself. "The chances of us  _both_  making it out of this shitstorm alive is about the same as me suddenly growing another five inches." 

He can tell that the not-quite-angel is smiling without looking up and he watches his fingers twitch with the urge to reach over and thread their fingers together. 

"So I'm not expecting the white picket fence and the 2.4 kids and the minivan and the fucking dog thing, Cas." 

Dean  _hates_  how quiet his voice is. He hates that he feels like his chest has been ripped wide open, like at any second now somebody could just yank his heart out of his chest and that would be it.

Being vulnerable in front of someone he cares about, someone who could hurt him even more than he already is, is scarier than any monster he's ever come across. 

"I'm not saying we get married or call each other boyfriends or partners or whatever bullshit you'd be comfortable with. I just..." He sighs and makes a sweeping gesture with his right hand, brushing his knuckles over Cas' pants, "I'm not asking for any of that."

Castiel lets out a shaky, nervous breath, " _Dean_..." 

Dean shakes his head and continues talking after a moment, "And I know, Cas. I know that you're scared of hurting me. But we both know that it's not because you're scared of what you'll do to me  _now_. You're scared for the same reason I am." 

He doesn't want to get this, something he's wanted for so long, and have it ripped right out from under him one day. He knows that Cas has been distancing himself for the same reason.

He's trying to make it hurt less for Dean when he dies. 

"And it's probably dumb as shit to even think about it," Dean shakes his head with a small smile, "Hell, I know it's stupid. It's rose colored fucking glasses kinda stupid at this point." 

The Mark  _aches_  on his arm, makes his whole body feel like it's on fire in the worst kind of way. 

He grits his teeth and continues, "But I'm done with all of it. I'm done pretending. I could die tomorrow. I could completely lose it and you or Sammy or some other poor bastard is going to have to take me out. Or I could -" 

His breath hitches a little at the thought of becoming a demon again, or worse, becoming whatever the hell Caine is.

Cas gently lays a hand on top of his and squeezes. 

Dean smiles despite himself, ignoring the feeling that something is trying to claw its way out of his chest. 

"I don't want to die knowing that we could have had this, even for a few days or weeks or months or however long we got... and knowing that I missed out on it because I was scared that you wouldn't want me." 

Castiel huffs a quiet laugh and Dean looks up just in time to catch the small smile on his face. It makes his stomach do a backflip and suddenly it feels like he's sixteen all over again.

"Dean, I..." He licks his lips and stares at where his hand is resting on top of Dean's, like he's considering something that could decide the fate of the entire world. 

And with their lives, Dean wouldn't be surprised if it  _did_. 

Eventually Castiel smiles shyly and nods, keeping his eyes down, "I think... I think I would like to try that."

He realizes he should've known the answer all along but it still feels like someone punched him in the gut. Half of Dean is expecting to wake up and find out that this is the worst Djinn dream ever, but Cas squeezes the top of his hand firmly and yeah, this is real. 

A real, genuine and sincere smile spreads across his face, his cheeks turning pink. He feels the tips of his ears burning a little bit as he nods with the dopey grin on his face, "That's... okay. Okay." 

A hand comes up to rest on the back of his neck and Cas gently pulls him forward into a kiss. He smiles into it and rests a hand on Cas' cheek because he has a reason to now, because he's allowed. 

"Okay," Castiel repeats quietly with a small smile and moves his hand to grip Dean's wrist that's next to his head. Dean grins a little bit and rests his forehead against Cas' with his eyes closed before murmuring, "I got you." 

The Mark is throbbing now, in a way that makes his blood boil.

But Cas just kisses his nose and sets his hand on top of the Mark and somehow that makes it a little bit better, "You've always had me, Dean." 


End file.
